Teeny Weenies: My Favorite President Read online

  He hadn’t skated in years, but he figured his sense of balance from dance would make it easy for him. He tried the skates out early one morning, when he knew nobody would be around except for a couple of college kids who liked to work on their speed skating before their classes started.

  I guess I could at least buy new laces, he thought as he put the skates on and tied them tightly. Not that it would make all that much difference.

  He got off the bench and walked the short distance to the ice. After he’d stepped onto the slick surface with both feet, he stood for a moment, making sure he had his balance. Then he pushed off and glided toward the center of the pond.

  Yeah, he thought I can do this. Within a few minutes, he was skating forward, backward, and in lazy circles, while a half dozen other skaters zipped around the edge of the lake at dizzying speeds.

  Joe put on his own burst of speed, pretending to move a puck with an imaginary stick as he raced down the center of the frozen pond. The cold air felt great as it stroked his face. “I can’t wait to play,” he said.

  Right after school, Joe grabbed his skates and went back to the pond. Sure enough, a group of kids had already gathered. Joe was glad to see they hadn’t started a game yet. They were still slapping pucks around.

  He skated over to them and said hi to Troy, the kid he knew best among the group.

  “I didn’t know you were into hockey,” Troy said.

  Joe shrugged. “It’s been a while.”

  He heard someone laugh. Kids nudged each other and pointed at his feet. Joe felt his face grow warm. “Can I join in?” he asked.

  “Sure,” Troy said.

  “Are you kidding?” Burly Andrews said. “We’re not doing figure eights.”

  “Yeah, this isn’t ice dancing,” Burly’s cousin Alvin said. He raised one leg, did a shaky circle, then slipped and fell, banging into the ice.

  Burly laughed at that, then tried to do his own circle. He fell, too.

  Everyone started laughing and falling down on purpose as they skated in a circle.

  Joe sighed and started to skate away. But another boom, way louder than the sound of someone falling, caused him to turn back.

  Something was banging at the ice from underneath. Everyone backed away from the spot. Joe could see a thin circle had been carved there from all the skaters. He could also see something shadowy beneath the ice. The banging continued.

  Then the ice broke, shattering up from the circle.

  A creature, looking like a seal with gorilla arms and shark’s teeth, clambered out of the hole.

  Everyone turned and fled. Joe joined them. Above their screams, he heard another cry. He spun around and slid to a stop.

  Burly had fallen again. The monster had reached him and grabbed him with one clawed hand.

  “Help!” Burly screamed as the monster lifted him higher.

  Joe didn’t hesitate. He skated full speed toward the monster. When he got close enough, he leaped in the air and extended one leg. He went into a spin, just as he’d learned in dance class. As he came around full circle, he slashed the serrated tip of his right skate across the face of the monster.

  It howled, dropped Burley, and clutched at its slashed cheek. Joe backed off, ready to make another attack if necessary. But the creature had obviously felt enough cold steel for one day. It dived back into the hole.

  The other kids skated over and stared down at the opening in the ice.

  Burly got up slowly. “You’re amazing!” he said to Joe. “Thanks for saving me.”

  “Any time,” Joe said. Then he laughed, because that was sort of a funny thing to say when someone just thanked you for saving them from a monster. “Though I hope not.”

  “I hope not, either,” Burly said.

  “Looks like we need to find another place to skate,” someone said.

  “We will,” Troy said. “But we don’t need to find another player. We’ve got a great new one.” He patted Joe on the back.

  “Those are kind of cool,” someone said, pointing at Joe’s skates.

  The others agreed.

  “No way!”

  That’s what Joe almost said. Instead, as he thought about his amazing leap and courage he didn’t even know he had, he smiled and said, “Yeah. They are pretty great.”

  A SUCKER FOR VALENTINES

  Hero.

  Hoagie.

  Grinder.

  Po’ boy.

  Sub.

  I could give you all five of those, and you’d still have just one thing. But it would be a tasty thing. Those are all names for a sandwich. Which one should you use? It depends where you live. I learned this because we move a lot. That’s not a bad thing. It means I have all kinds of different experiences. My dad is in the army. We move at least once every three years. I’m used to it. I’ve lived in Connecticut, Texas, Georgia, and Utah. I’ve visited my grandparents in Florida and Illinois. And we’ve taken family trips to Arizona, Nevada, and Massachusetts.

  In one place, what I call a water fountain, everyone called a bubbler. In another, they called any sort of fizzy drink a Coke, even if it was root beer or ginger ale. In some places, it’s soda. In others, it’s pop. I guess, somewhere, it’s probably soda pop.

  It’s not weird. It’s not wrong. It’s just different. And maybe a bit confusing until you get used to it.

  So I was only a little puzzled when I started at my new school a week before Valentine’s Day and heard my new classmates talking about the party. They had a pretty cool rule. Every kid had to get something for every other kid in their class. Nobody got left out.

  “It’s a lot of fun, Portia,” Danny Rodriguez told me. He’s the first kid I got to know when I arrived. “Each of us gets to sit up front, one at a time. And we all give them their valentine.”

  “A card?” I asked. That’s what we’d done in most of my schools.

  “A card or a special treat,” Cindy Sketz said.

  Cindy was the second kid I made friends with. I knew three or four other kids, but I always take my time making friends at new schools. And in most schools, all the kids take time getting to know the new kid. But thanks to Cindy and Danny, I was just about to learn how to become super popular really quickly and also learn a strange new word. Okay, maybe it wasn’t all that strange, but it was definitely different.

  “What kind of treat?” I asked. I didn’t want to bring the wrong thing. I’d feel silly if I showed up with cupcakes when everyone else brought candy bars. Or cabbages. Okay, that example was silly. But just like local words can be a surprise, you never know what the local customs are, and it’s not totally impossible there’s a place where kids give each other cabbages.

  “It can be a sweet heart, a sour ball, or just about anything,” Danny said.

  “But we give the one kid we like best a sucker,” Cindy said. “That’s a tradition. Even my parents and grandparents did that when they were in school here.”

  “And the super best kid gets an all-day sucker,” Danny said.

  I knew what sweet hearts were, of course. Those are the littler candy hearts with stuff written on them. And I love sour balls—the sourer the better. I liked to get my mouth so puckered, I couldn’t help whistling when I talked. But it took me a moment to figure out that sucker was just another word for lollipop. So the all-day sucker had to be those really huge lollipops that were as wide as a salad plate and usually made with spirals of different colors and flavors.

  And I knew one important thing Dad always told me: “People like it when you make them feel special.” I decided I was going to make my whole class feel special. I’d give every one of them a sucker. No. Even better. I’d give each of them an all-day sucker! And it would be the best one I could find. I could just picture all my classmates grinning at me as I gave them their treats.

  I walked through town on the way home and stopped at a candy store. That’s where my plan almost ended. They had huge lollipops on the counter in a plastic bucket next to the cash register,
but they weren’t cheap. Buying enough for the whole class would take a lot more money than I had.

  “Can I get my allowance for next week?” I asked my mom when she came home from work.

  “Sure,” she said.

  “And the week after that?” I asked. Before she could answer, I said, “And maybe the next two or three weeks after that, too. Actually, three months’ worth would be good.”

  “Are you buying a car?” she asked.

  I laughed. Mom likes it when I laugh at her jokes. “No, it’s for Valentine’s Day.”

  “Are you planning a wedding?” she asked. “I know Valentine’s Day is a popular date for people to get married, but if that’s what’s going on, you’ll need at least a year or two of your allowance. Weddings are expensive.”

  “I want to buy huge lollipops for my class.” I blurted out an explanation quickly enough to tell her everything before she could make another joke.

  Happily, Mom understood why this was so important and offered to pay for the candy herself. “Just remember,” she said as we headed for the candy store, “you can’t buy friends.”

  “Yeah, but you can rent them,” I said.

  She frowned. But then she laughed when she realized I was kidding. Mom isn’t the only one who can make a joke.

  So I got twenty all-day suckers, put them in a large bag, and dragged them to school on Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t wait to see how surprised everyone would be when I gave each of them an all-day sucker.

  But I started to get worried when I saw Danny outside of the school. He had a large bag, too. So did everyone in my class. Except for Cindy. She had two large bags and a big smile she flashed at me every time I looked in her direction.

  I hoped my big surprise wasn’t about to become no surprise at all when everyone gave out a bunch of all-day suckers.

  Right after class started, our teacher, Ms. Maclatchy, said, “Portia, I want you to take the special spot, since you’re new.”

  It turned out the special spot meant I was going last. That was great. My surprise would come at the end and be even more amazing. Danny was up first. I got in the back of the line and watched as each kid in front of me gave him a treat. Even though they all had large bags, the treats were small. Until it was my turn.

  “Oooohhh…,” someone said as I pulled out the all-day sucker and gave it to Danny.

  “Wow!”

  “Awesome!”

  “That’s gigantic!”

  Everyone was impressed. Especially Danny.

  “Thanks for the lollipop!” he said.

  I should have gotten worried then, but I was so glad I’d finally revealed my surprise that I wasn’t paying much attention to the word he used.

  The class got more and more impressed as I gave every single kid a huge lollipop. And I got more and more puzzled as they all pulled sweet hearts, sour balls, and other tiny treats from their bags and thanked me for the lollipop.

  Finally, it was my turn. I sat on a chair in front of the class and held my hands out. Everyone lined up. I saw Danny and Cindy slip to the back of the line. I guess, just like me, they wanted to save the best for last. I was glad they’d picked me to get the special treat.

  Delilah Schwartz, who was the first kid in line, opened her bag, reached in, fumbled around a bit like she was having a hard time grabbing my treat, and finally pulled a green blob out and plopped it in my hands.

  I let out a gasp that nearly became a scream before I choked it down.

  The thing Delilah had dropped into my hand was about the size of a baseball. But it sure didn’t feel like a baseball. It was wet, soft, and slimy. And it wriggled!

  I had a hard time believing what I saw, but there was no doubt. It was an octopus.

  As I stared at it, the next kid gave me another one. Both creatures wrapped their tentacles around my wrists and clung to me with their slimy suckers.

  Suckers!

  Oh no …

  Everything suddenly made sense.

  I wanted to shake the octopuses off, but they clung to me. As I sat there, more and more kids gave me octopuses and, for variety, some squid, piling them up in my hands and on my lap.

  They were heaped up and clinging all over my body by the time Danny and Cindy reached me. They carried a big bag between them.

  “We want to show you how much we like you,” Danny said.

  “Ready?” Cindy asked.

  “I guess…” At this point, I didn’t think things could get any worse. Naturally, I was wrong.

  “On the count of three,” Danny said as he and Cindy reached into the bag with both hands.

  They counted. And then they pulled out an enormous octopus and plopped it on my head like a crown.

  “All-day sucker!” Danny and Cindy said.

  And it was. It clung to my head for the entire school day. That’s about all I remember of Valentine’s Day, except maybe I let out some screams once in a while as the tentacles massaged my neck or explored my nostrils. And maybe I shuddered a bit.

  I took the octopuses to the ocean on the way home and set them free. I had to admit, they were cute and friendly once I got used to them. But I was happy to get rid of them. And I was especially glad to say goodbye to my enormous all-day sucker. He might have been fond of me, but I never really felt attached to him.

  STARSCAPE BOOKS BY DAVID LUBAR

  Novels

  Flip

  Hidden Talents

  True Talents

  Monsterrific Tales

  Hyde and Shriek

  The Vanishing Vampire

  The Unwilling Witch

  The Wavering Werewolf

  The Gloomy Ghost

  The Bully Bug

  Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie series

  My Rotten Life

  Dead Guy Spy

  Goop Soup

  The Big Stink

  Enter the Zombie

  Story Collections

  Attack of the Vampire Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  The Battle of the Red Hot Pepper Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Beware the Ninja Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Check Out the Library Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  The Curse of the Campfire Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  In the Land of the Lawn Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Invasion of the Road Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Strikeout of the Bleacher Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Wipeout of the Wireless Weenies and Other Warped and Creepy Tales

  Teeny Weenies: The Boy Who Cried Wool and Other Stories

  Teeny Weenies: Freestyle Frenzy and Other Stories

  Teeny Weenies: The Intergalactic Petting Zoo and Other Stories

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  DAVID LUBAR credits his passion for short stories to his limited attention span and bad typing skills, though he has been known to sit still and peck at the keyboard long enough to write a novel or chapter book now and then, including Hidden Talents (an ALA Best Book for Young Adults) and My Rotten Life, which is currently under development for a cartoon series. He lives in Nazareth, Pennsylvania, with his amazing wife, and not too far from his amazing daughter. In his spare time, he takes naps on the couch. You can sign up for email updates here.

  ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

  BILL MAYER is absolutely amazing. Bill’s crazy creatures, characters, and comic creations have been sought after for magazine covers, countless articles, and even stamps for the U.S. Postal Service. He has won almost every illustration award known to man and even some known to fish. Bill and his wife live in Decatur, Georgia. They have a son and three grandsons. You can sign up for email updates here.

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  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  My Favorite President

  Home Wreckers

  Polar Opposites

  We’re Off to See the Lizard

  Beauty and the Beef

  I’ve Got My Eye on You

  Drop the Ball

  Under the Rainbow

  Snowflakes

  In Like a Lion

  Thin Ice

  A Sucker for Valentines

  Starscape Books by David Lubar

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Copyright

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in these stories are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT AND OTHER STORIES

  Copyright © 2019 by David Lubar

  Illustrations copyright © 2019 by Bill Mayer

  All rights reserved.

  A Starscape Book

  Published by Tom Doherty Associates

  120 Broadway

  New York, NY 10271

  www.tor-forge.com

  The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  ISBN 978-1-250-17358-4 (hardcover)

  ISBN 978-1-250-18782-6 (ebook)

  eISBN 9781250187826

  Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at [email protected].

  First Edition: September 2019