Check Out the Library Weenies Read online

  The monster turned its attention back to Ridley. It seized his left arm and raised the hand to its mouth. I don’t need to describe the rest. It was awful. Throughout this brutal feeding, Ridley howled with a mix of terror and pain that nearly turned my bowels to water.

  And then, the creature shoved its face forward, pressing its forehead against Ridley’s. His own face grew slack. The creature wiped away Ridley’s tears and put him back in bed. I watched it step out of view, and then reappear beneath the eaves.

  As it made its way to the roof, I drew in a gasping breath. The creature froze in the middle of its climb, then turned its head in my direction. I ducked beneath the windowsill. When I peeked out a moment later, it was gone. I was relieved it hadn’t spotted me.

  My relief didn’t last long. The first scratch of claws against the outside wall of the house shot me to my feet. I raced down the steps and out through the front doorway, cutting across the unfinished yards of unfinished houses, running faster than I’d ever run in my life. I didn’t even risk looking over my shoulder until I reached my block.

  I didn’t see the monster behind me. I’d escaped. I knew what I’d seen would haunt me forever, but at least I hadn’t been caught. It was hours before I finally managed to fall asleep. And after that, I know I slept poorly. I had a hard time waking up for school, and still felt half asleep when I got there and took my seat at my desk.

  That’s weird. I looked at Ridley’s left hand where it rested on his desk. All it had was a thumb. No fingers. I wanted to ask him about it, but that would have been rude. I checked my own hands, as if to reassure myself they were intact.

  Yup. They were just the way they’d always been, with a thumb and four fingers on my right hand, and a thumb and three fingers on my left.

  A WORD OR TWO ABOUT THESE STORIES

  As always, here’s a look behind the scenes at the various sparks of inspiration that led to these stories.

  How to Slay Vampires for Fun and Profit

  One of my main sources for ideas is my “what if” file. Every morning, my first writing task is to think up one “what if” question and write it down. The file has reached eighty pages. This story came from that file. I wasn’t very specific when I wrote the idea. It was basically just, “What if vampires tricked people into thinking they were going to trap them?” The idea of a “how to” book in a library came to me when I was trying to figure out the best way to turn the idea into a story.

  Come Back Soon

  I’ve written a lot of time travel stories, including a funny one, “Frozen in Time,” where a girl keeps answering the door to find her older self, who has come back in time to issue a warning, and a wonderfully icky story, “Two Timers,” which involves traveling in two directions at once. As you might suspect, this is not an advisable journey. (Both stories can be found in Strikeout of the Bleacher Weenies.) In the current case, the spark was “what if you could travel back in time, but only a minute or two?” I shortened the time to meet the needs of the plot.

  All that Glitters

  Sometimes, I’ll try to get ideas for these collections by thinking about what sort of monsters I’ve been overlooking. (The first Weenies book, In the Land of the Lawn Weenies, had a lot of monster stories. As I worked on subsequent books, the mix shifted to a much broader spectrum of fiction, but I like to make sure there are enough monster stories in each collection to please those readers who love that particular subgenre.) Weenies fans know there is no shortage of vampires in these pages, and witches seem to show up fairly regularly. But I realized I’ve only written two or three werewolf stories, so I started thinking about them, which led me to the transmutation idea.

  Bald Truths

  There are stories in the news fairly regularly about people who shave their heads to support someone who is undergoing chemotherapy. As I thought about that, I decided I wanted the inevitable bullies who mock such people to suffer a horrible fate. It took a little work to make that happen, but I feel it was worth it.

  Tough Crowd

  Since I love comedy and jokes so much, it’s not surprising I had an idea about a kid who has to make someone laugh every day. (The “have to do X every day” theme is fairly common in fantasy stories.) I guess I love chocolate, too. But that’s another story.

  Gordie’s Gonna Git Ya

  This one made quite a journey. My original idea was, “What if a kid went to a new school and was immediately popular?” That’s not a bad idea, by itself. Especially if the kid wasn’t popular at his old school. I knew it would be fun to write. (Scenes that conflict with the main character’s expectations are always fun for me. And if something is fun for me, there’s a good chance it will also be fun for the reader.) But the real question is: What caused this popularity? As I was thinking about that, the idea of an urban legend came to mind. And that led me to Gordie.

  Fairyland

  This started with the amusing question, “What if kids traveled to fairyland, and it turned out to be a wretched place?” I had a lot of fun making the place as horrible as possible. I think, in my mind, the twins might have spoken in fake British accents, but I couldn’t find the right place to slip that information into the narrative, so I didn’t put that in the story.

  Off the Beaten Track

  This story was inspired by a classic puzzle about how to escape an oncoming train. The trick with the puzzle is that it is set up so if you try to run away, you’ll never make it. So you have to go against your instincts and run toward the train. (I used the same concept in one of the video games I designed, Frogger II, for the GameBoy. There’s a level where you have to get past large rolling fireballs. At one point, if you run away, you’ll never make it.) I’m always a bit apprehensive when I use a story with a real-life monster rather than an imaginary creature. But I think my readers can handle this one.

  The Sword in the Stew

  Beside my “what if?” file, I also like to write lists of titles, hoping one of them will inspire a story. And one of my favorite types of titles are those that play with well-known fables, classic stories, or fairy tales. In this case, The Sword in the Stone, which is the title of a classic book about King Arthur, led me to “The Sword in the Stew.”

  The Doll Collector

  Dolls can be pretty creepy. Doll heads can be even creepier. I started by wondering, “What if a girl visited a relative who had a collection of doll heads?” In the first draft of the story, I had one of the heads roll off the shelf and try to bite the lamp cord to make the room dark. That seemed like a good idea. But as I was revising the story, I spotted a flaw in my logic. (Note that fantasy is not exempt from logic. You can have amazing things happen, but they still have to make sense within the rules of the story’s magic.) If a doll head could roll off the shelf, why did all the others have to settle for inching themselves forward by chomping? It didn’t make sense. So I changed it. And, as often happens, the new scene, with her flinging the head across the room, was more powerful than the original one. (This is yet another reason why I love revision.)

  Physics for Toons

  This started as, “What if the real world had the same physics as cartoons?” From there, I could have gone in a lot of directions. I had the story mostly written a while ago, but I couldn’t come up with a satisfying ending after the part where the TV went blank. Eventually, I revisited it, and the idea of the narrator putting his head on backwards hit me. I knew that was the way to go, and that the scene would be pure joy to write.

  The Heart of a Dragon

  Sometimes, I’ll just start writing. That’s what I did here. I felt in the mood to have some characters snatched by a dragon. A while back, I wrote a much more light-hearted dragon story, “Dragon Around,” which also started by my writing a snatched-by-a-dragon scene. That one can be found in Attack of the Vampire Weenies. But this one felt like it had to be dark.

  Searching for a Fart of Gold

  Yeah, I actually wondered what would happen if you could fart gold. I was worki
ng on two different gold stories at the time. The other one, where a kid’s fingers start to turn into gold after he picks goldenrod, just wasn’t working, even though I had an ending in mind, so I set it aside. At first, I had no idea how to end this one, either. As you can see, I finally figured things out. (By the way, while I often begin writing without knowing how I’ll end a story, don’t take that as the best process for everyone. When you’re learning how to write fiction, it’s a good idea to have the ending in mind. And the middle. But the more writing you do, the more you can take a leap of faith at the start of the journey, and assume you’ll probably be able to pull some sort of rabbit out of some sort of hat at the end.)

  On One Condition

  I had very good science classes when I went to high school. In biology, the teacher told us about conditioning and revealed that she and her classmates once managed to get a professor to keep his hand on his chin when he lectured the class. You can get a lot of great ideas for stories by thinking about things you learned or things that happened to you in school.

  Ghost Dancer

  I like to think about urban myths. There are all sorts of stories about ghostly brides or other people who haunt some event on a regular basis. But I also like kids who love science. And I know that school dances can be difficult for lots of kids. So I put all of that together. In the original idea, it was the main character who was going to be the ghost. But I realized it would be more fun for her to help a friend. I also had a serious issue to deal with. The whole idea that girls have to sit around and wait for an invitation to dance is very old-fashioned. I was worried I’d get criticized for writing a story where that happened. But traditions change slowly, and I think it’s fine to write a story like this as long as I make it clear that things are changing. (By the way, if you love seeing kids use science to solve problems, check out my series: Nathan Abercrombie, Accidental Zombie. In the second book, Dead Guy Spy, Nathan’s science genius friend, Abigail, figures out how to help him get through his doctor’s exam even though he doesn’t have a heart beat or a normal body temperature.)

  Check out the Library Weenies

  I wanted to make the title of this book very special. There have been all sorts of Weenies, but I think this might be the last or next to last collection. I made all sorts of lists, trying to think of the perfect candidate. One of the titles I wrote was Library Weenies. (The “Check Out” part came later.) As much as I liked that idea, I was worried about going against a structure I’d established. For the first eight books, the Weenies were someone mockable, like those joggers who never smiled, or the people who loved their lawns a little too much. In the case of Library Weenies, the Weenies would be the good guys. But I trusted my readers to understand this. I did ask some book sellers and librarians what they thought of the title. Dave Richardson of Blue Marble Books in Fort Thomas, Kentucky, who has always been a strong supporter of my books, responded by telling me, “That’s your opening sentence.” And he was right. It’s a great way to start the story. That helped lead me to the rest of the tale.

  Call Me

  When I got my first smart phone, I thought about calling myself. I never bothered, and I still don’t know what would happen. But I did hang on to the idea and jot it down. Speaking of which—always write down your ideas as soon as they hit you. Otherwise, they can easily vanish. And that would be tragic.

  The Running of the Hounds

  Often, before doing any writing, I will start my working day by reading something. When I’m writing these stories, I like to read about monsters, myths, unsolved mysteries, and legends. I stumbled across a mention of Gabriel Ratchets in a book called Monsters Who’s Who, and knew I wanted to put them in a story. Originally, I had a different story in the collection, inspired by the entry in that same book about Banshees, but it still needed work, so I replaced it with this one. (Stories get pulled or added to the manuscript up to the last minute, as my editor and I try to make the collection as strong as possible.) By the way, Gabriel Hounds have nothing to do with the angel by that name, and ratchets are dogs that hunt by scent. In some versions of the legend, they are actually geese. Legends are funny, that way.

  A Boy and His Frog

  When my daughter was little, she won a goldfish at a carnival. I didn’t expect it to live long. It surprised me. It lived for many years, and never stopped growing. One year, we pet-sat a neighbor’s son’s frog while they went on vacation. I guess those two things combined to put the idea in my mind of a frog that never stopped growing.

  Black Friday

  As you can see from the first story, I’m always looking for interesting places and ways for vampires to hunt. And I’m always amazed at the frenzy of shopping that happens on Black Friday. Again, two things melded together nicely to give me one idea. You can get endless story ideas by combining two concepts. One of my most popular novels, Hidden Talents, happened because I thought up a way to combine misbehavior with something completely unexpected.

  Romeo, Romeo, Wherefloor Argle Roblio?

  This started with, “What if kids used infinite monkeys to write their essays?” That idea raises an interesting question. If you actually did have infinite monkeys typing away, is it possible that they could produce anything that ever was or would be written? But I’m not sure that means any specific thing would necessarily be created. In other words, they could write Hamlet, but that doesn’t mean they would inevitably have to write Hamlet, even if given infinite time. I could be wrong about this. Infinity is as tricky to think about as time travel. I do know, given infinite time, or even a decent span of finite time, I’d personally much rather write new stories.

  My Family History

  When I visit schools, I often see assignments on display in the hallways. That got me thinking about how an assignment could be used to lure someone into a trap. This was actually a pretty tricky story to write, because the teacher had to care enough to want to visit the home, but if I made her too nice, people would hate the ending.

  When Death Comes Calling

  My original idea was, “What if a kid helped out Death?” I was thinking in terms of a summer job. But I decided it would be more interesting if the help was given unwittingly.

  2D or Not 2D

  Three-D is all the rage right now. Most blockbuster movies come with a three-D version, and three-D printers are popping up everywhere. It’s always fun to take ideas or inventions and run them in the opposite direction. I actually combined this with another idea from my files, “What if insects from a book came to life?” When I was a kid, I was always sort of creeped out by the encyclopedia page that showed large drawings of various ants. I didn’t mind ants, themselves, but there was something creepy about the larger-than-life illustrations.

  Mummy Misses You

  This was another idea from my files, “What if a kid wrapped in bandages is mistake by a mummy for her son?” As with most ideas, this could have turned out a lot of different ways. It could have been scary. It could have been funny. It turned out sort of sad, which made me wonder whether to include it. I don’t want anyone to feel sad. But I guess a sad story is okay once in a while, as long as it’s surrounded by tales of farts, explosions, giant frogs, and thirsty vampires.

  Seeing Red

  This is a case where a simple life experience inspired a story. My color printer is always running out of ink at the worst time. When things like that happen, I tend to look at them in terms of plots.

  Watch Your Grammar

  One of the best parts about writing short-story collections is that I can try all sorts of things. I’ve written a story that consists of just one person talking (“Yackity-Yak” from The Battle of the Red Hot Pepper Weenies), and one that is nothing but dialogue. (That one, “M.U.B,” for Monster Under the Bed, from Wipeout of the Wireless Weenies, has become my favorite one to read at schools. I’ll pull a student from the audience and we’ll read it together as a play.) I’ve written a story from the viewpoint of a baby and one about sentient sand.
So I’m always looking for new things to try. I decided it would be fun to write a story using minutes from a school board meeting. It’s a bit subtler than some of my stories, and it’s not a common format, so I hope you enjoyed it and appreciate the amazing variety of ways there are to tell a tale. (I think your parents might get a kick out of this one, if you show it to them. Especially if they go to school board meetings.)

  At Stake

  This story started when I was playing around by writing openings. I wasn’t sure where it would go. And it ended up going in a very dark direction. It’s another one where I wasn’t sure whether it was too upsetting for younger readers. (If you like even darker stories, I’ve collected some of those in Extremities: Stories of Death, Murder, and Revenge.)

  Rumplecodespin

  Fairy tales make a great starting point for getting story ideas. You can play with the ideas, and ask things like, “What if sleeping beauty snored?” (I’ll admit that’s probably not going to lead to a story, but it was the first example that came to mind, and I think it’s important to realize that not all ideas will work, but any idea can be a springboard to a better idea.) Or, as I mentioned when I wrote “The Sword in the Stew,” you can play with a title, to see if that inspires an idea. That’s what happened here. Thanks to that method, I’ve written “Little Bread Riding Hood,” “The Princess and the Pea Brain,” and several other stories for past Weenies collections.

  I Can’t Quite Put a Finger On It

  Faithful Weenies fans know I put the scariest story last in each collection. I think this one is about as creepy as I’d want to go, and I know it’s very dark. It started when I had the idea for a monster that can make its victims forget they’ve been victimized.

  * * *

  Well, that brings us to the end of another collection. If you’ve read all nine Weenies books, you’ve read three hundred short stories, written from 1994 through 2017. And if this is your first encounter with the Weenies, I hope the stories left you eager to seek out the other volumes. Either way, I feel fortunate that I’m able to share my love of short stories with an enthusiastic audience. And I’m thrilled that I’ve had the chance to explore a variety of styles, voices, viewpoints, sub-genres, and narrative structures as I told these tales. Whether you are a young reader, a teacher, a librarian, a parent, or a bookseller (or any combination of those things), I thank you for your part in all of this.